Time Zone Rummy

"Alcoholics of the world owe a tremendous debt to Charles F. Dowd, who proposed we have time zones, and William F. Allen whose system of time zones The United States ended up adopting. Before this time in history, I call The Dark Ages, if someone saw you drinking a gallon of wine or several beers in a row, especially in a Temperance State, they'd look at you disapprovingly, sigh and often make a coy quip. Usually on my inability to wait until night or the very least happy hour for a drink. 'Nightcaps were never intended for nine in the morning'. Now if someone says something about the unusual hour of my drinking, I can say, 'It's midnight somewhere in the world' and this would be true. And until November 18, 1883, a.k.a. The Day of Two Noons, no one could say it's midnight somewhere in the world for such a statement would have been considered axiomatically false. For one assumed that if it were 2 o'clock in Tallahassee it must be equally 2 o'clock in Cairo. This we know to be a tremendous error and many a rummy was denied their beverage of choice because of this careless oversight by astronomers. It' s a good thing we do not live under such Draconian times with arbitrary understandings of reality. That we live in a time of reason and compassion. Now can I have another drink."
"Sir you can barely stand," the bartender said, "I doubt you have the prerequisite skills to swallow. I'm calling you a taxi."
"And I'm calling you a jerk."
"You can call me whatever you want in the taxi."
"Maybe I will."

While the bartender was on the phone to the taxi company The Rummy looked into bar mirror and saw his flushed face that made him reminiscent of a maraschino cherry. "Thank you Dowd and Allen" was the last thing he could remember before he blacked out.