Boulevard

When I was in Vegas a couple of years I went to where I thought Tupac Shakur was shot and took a picture of the area with my camera phone. I had planned to send the picture to a friend, but I couldn’t think of anything witty to put as a caption. It was a good thing I didn’t. There’s really nothing really witty you can say except maybe “the ****** in red shot me dead”. A prophetic song lyric indeed but hardly apppropriate for the occasion.

Later that day I did get an amazing picture of The Hoover Dam and sent the picture with the following message to my friend, "Megatron was here". That night when I was in Hooters Casino, on my way to see Bobby Slayton perform, I took a picture of a King Kong slot machine. A cropped up picture of CGI Kong himself with the following caption: "Your mom".

When I returned to Florida, I was glad I didn’t send the picture of where I thought Tupac was shot, It turned out that my picture was of the wrong street, the wrong location altogether. The incident actually happened on Koval Lane not on The Strip. I took my picture near Riveria, not far from the recently imploded remains of Stardust were. My picture was a misnomer. A picture of a nice but random street in Vegas. "Maybe next time", my caption could say.

The Tooth Fairy Issues Refunds

I remember being six or seven and losing a tooth. I put my tooth under the pillow and the following morning, I awoke to find a Dick Tracy toy (of one of the minor villains. I think the one with the tall forehead). I played with that toy for an entire day. I loved that toy for an entire day. However, I was a little rough it and its arm broke. I said to myself, “I’ll put it under my bed and The Tooth Fairy will obviously come and replace it.” So I put the Dick Tracy toy under my pillow, in the original package, and lo and behold the following morning, I discovered it was still there.

Apparently, The Tooth Fairy has a "no-refund policy". I was stuck with a toy with a broken arm. This was how I discovered The Tooth Fairy wasn’t real. If The Tooth Fairy wanted to give me a toy instead of cash that was fine, but she shouldn’t have given me a defective one whose arm was going to break easily. If the toy did break it seemed reasonable that she should at least replace it with a toy of equal or lesser value. I would have gladly taken a Hot Wheel's or a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles toy instead of having a Dick Tracy toy with only one working arm. Apparently, The Tooth Fairy didn’t share my line of reasoning.

I asked my mother “Why didn’t The Tooth Fairy replace the toy?” – “Maybe she felt like you should treat your toys better. That if she got you another toy you’d only break that one like you did this one.” – “It’s not fair.” - “Life’s not fair. Why should The Tooth Fairy be any different?” I walked away after that. What could I reply? What can anyone say to that? I tried again that very night. I put the toy under my pillow. The following morning I found a five dollar bill there. I was overjoyed though kind of wondering if the Tooth Fairy was cheapskate. I appreciated her giving me a toy for my tooth but she did she have to buy the cheapest one?

I eventually told my parents what The Tooth Fairy did. I was obviously happy and my parents were glad that I was. I said, “I betcha you, I’ll get another five dollars tonight. I’ll just break one of my other toys I don’t like anymore and leave it under my pillow.” Genius idea. My parents didn't agree. One of them said, “You shouldn’t push your luck.” I ignored my parent’s suggestion and later that day proceeded to tear the arm off another toy. This, luckily, was a toy whose arm could easily be reattached once detached. I put the amputated toy under the pillow. The following morning I found the toy was gone, but it had been replaced with a dime, which was $4.90 less than I was expecting. Don’t push your luck.

Wishing Trolls and Monkey Paws

When I was eight there were these things called Wishing Trolls. Gnarly Germanic looking plastic creatures the size of a palm with bright, wild hair and a jewel for a belly button. The premise was simple: make a wish and it'll come true. However, there were limits one assumed. World peace' being too much and a dragon or pony too greedy (selfish, selfish girl). A nice middle-ground is preferred. It's only a wishing troll, not a monkey's paw or a cynical genie (who have tremendous power to grant wishes but a desire to put a negative spin on them).

Lots of people got wishing trolls. It was kind of a fad. Who wouldn't want a cute yet creepy hunk of plastic that could grant wishes? You'd be stupid not to have a wishing troll. You could finally beat the stock market or go back in time and beat up John Wilkes Boothe in the parking lot, just as he was entering Forbes Theater to give an intermission no one would forget, certainly not Mrs. Lincoln. I'm not saying troll dolls permit time travel but the packaging didn't say a lot of things about the troll's capabilities. Especially, how to have it grant wishes.

Question: Do you rub the jewel bellybutton and pose your request, in "I wish" form analogous to a Jeopardy question that must be posited as a question? Is this plastic genie clever enough to pick up on context alone that what is said is probably a wish and not a statement? So grant it. The package, if I remember correctly, simply stated that they were wishing trolls. They did not specify how these trolls came by these amazing powers or how I could use them for my own personal gain. Just that a personal gain was possible. The package simply told us they were wishing trolls without proper advice on how to get it. In the movie "Big" all Tom Hanks had to do was feed The Great Zoltar a quarter and wish he was big. Aladdin had to rub a lamp and later ring. How exactly do you make a wishing troll budge?

I have no proof for this but my guess is that the first internet forums, back when using the internet was evidence that you were in college cause who else but them and military-types would bother with the place, were probably people talking about The Simpson's (we're talking about Simpson's during its prime) and how to use a wishing troll? Someone somewhere in the world must have figured this out. Alas, I heard the answer to the question, and only a year later would I found it was bull. An acquaintance in school told me the secret of the wishing troll that he had heard from his brother, and he decided to impart this sage wisdom on me. I thought he did this because he thought I was cool. It turned out that I was mistaken. "It's a little complicated but here's what you do. First you have to do it on Halloween."

"Halloween? Why Halloween?"
"Because Halloween's when you have to do it."
"Then what?"
"You make your wish and then you bury it."
"Bury it? You mean like in the ground."
"Yeah you bury it. Then you come back a year later..."
"...Halloween...next year."
"Yeah."
"What then?"
"You dig it up."
"Dig it up?"
"Yeah you dig it up and you wash it and you'll know your wish was granted because the jewel will be a different color. So if it was red, it'll be blue."
"So I bury the troll doll on Halloween and dig it up the next Halloween."
"Yep."
"And I can wish for anything?"
"Yep."A few days later I did what my school-chum recommended. I buried the wishing troll after making my wish in the prescribed manner. a year later I dug it up in the backyard. It had been in the ground for a year and looked it. After I washed it, I noticed something that greatly annoyed me. The bellybutton jewel was the exact same color it was last year. Nothing was changed. No wish was granted. The kid totally lied to me and worst of all I believed him. I think if this classmate had known that I actually took his advice, followed it and waited a year to discover that it was bull. If I had him that I followed his stupid advicehe would probably have laughed his off as he should. However, in my defense, it made sense at the time that if took a year for a wish to come true and the wish itself needed to be done in a pseudo-elaborate fashion it made perfect sense to me that the makers of wishing trolls wouldn’t advertise that fact. Make a wish and one year later it’ll come true. Not an easy sell. Monkey’s paws, for example are evil in their granting wishes but one thing you can say about is that it’s punctual. With a monkey’s paw or a genie’s lamp there’s no deferring of a wish. No waiting a year. just a couple of seconds. Instant wish. “I wish for this” Done. However a wish, like any product, the faster it’s developed and produced the probability of their being a major mistake is greater. If, for example, a movie is rushed into production, with a script whipped up very hastily, the chances of major plot holes and other idiosyncrasy’s are greater.

Perhaps the same principle can be found with Monkey’s Paws. It’s not that the monkey’s paw, out of pure malice, produce bad wishes. The problem is that monkey’s paw’s produces wishes too quickly. Had it been giving proper time, like a couple of months or years, to properly work the logistics of the wish out, the wishes would probably turn out better. Monkey's paws aren't evil, if my wishing troll logic held up - which it doesn't - it's slightly incompetent due to the hasty nature of its wish fulfilling. However, on that particular Halloween two major things happened. River Phoenix died and I learned the hard way that wishing trolls don't grant wishes.

Time Zone Rummy

"Alcoholics of the world owe a tremendous debt to Charles F. Dowd, who proposed we have time zones, and William F. Allen whose system of time zones The United States ended up adopting. Before this time in history, I call The Dark Ages, if someone saw you drinking a gallon of wine or several beers in a row, especially in a Temperance State, they'd look at you disapprovingly, sigh and often make a coy quip. Usually on my inability to wait until night or the very least happy hour for a drink. 'Nightcaps were never intended for nine in the morning'. Now if someone says something about the unusual hour of my drinking, I can say, 'It's midnight somewhere in the world' and this would be true. And until November 18, 1883, a.k.a. The Day of Two Noons, no one could say it's midnight somewhere in the world for such a statement would have been considered axiomatically false. For one assumed that if it were 2 o'clock in Tallahassee it must be equally 2 o'clock in Cairo. This we know to be a tremendous error and many a rummy was denied their beverage of choice because of this careless oversight by astronomers. It' s a good thing we do not live under such Draconian times with arbitrary understandings of reality. That we live in a time of reason and compassion. Now can I have another drink."
"Sir you can barely stand," the bartender said, "I doubt you have the prerequisite skills to swallow. I'm calling you a taxi."
"And I'm calling you a jerk."
"You can call me whatever you want in the taxi."
"Maybe I will."

While the bartender was on the phone to the taxi company The Rummy looked into bar mirror and saw his flushed face that made him reminiscent of a maraschino cherry. "Thank you Dowd and Allen" was the last thing he could remember before he blacked out.

A Popcorn Tree

When I was a kid, my sister and her friend took a kernel of popcorn and placed it in the ground. Eventually, the idea was that, a tree would grow yielding cobs of corn suitable for popping, like an apple tree produces bushels of apples. No longer would they be tethered to Shop Rite or A&P or to the whims of our parents who held the power of popcorn in their hand like some hold life and death. It would have been a sweet liberation (at least where popcorn was concerned). The plan went astray. We all learned the hard way, (with me being on the sidelines), that corn doesn't become a tree, but a stalk, and popcorn from a container of Orville Redenbacher don't become stalks either. What a shame. It would have been nice to be playing on a tire-swing tethered on the branchof a popcorn tree. If it was hot enough it might have been interesting to see, hear and feel if all the kernels on that tree would pop covering a field in a blanket of popcorn while little bits of hot popcorn rain on me while on the tire swing. Oh well.

Captcha Starfish

On the bottom of the ocean, living under the sea, is an industrious starfish named Qwervub. Qwervub used to be a welder but retired to work on a screenplay called "Adventures in the Prorfug Trzop", which is about a famous general who fought in The Civil War named Riwturg Styvblan. Riwtrug was of course the general responsible for implenting ytuls and buvrg, which have sense revolutionized modern warefare, but he also did much more that people aren't aware of. Riwtrug also wrote the famous book Flowers for Zubragxun, which the movie Vrtuwx Vzbyn, which swept the Academy Awards the year it was nominated and is considered by manya classic , is based on. General Styvblan also composed the opera "Rvum2w" and "Lgbaui" and was responsible for brokering the controversial deal with the prime minister of Thrlyg to build a canal. He also brokered the even more controversial deal with the king of 'Uqkkji9' for rights to their very abundant supply of '4#pghx?L'.

Now Qwervub's labor of love, personified in screenplay form, details General Styvblan's formative years growing up in a log cabin in what is now modern day West Virgina. How he epicly chose his love of country over state (Virigna) and even family "America is my family too and I will not sit by while Cain tries to destroy Abel again. It's about time someone took the rock out of his hand and I'm not just the man to do it." The screenplay also details General Styvblan's failed presidential bid and his years of retirement where he befriends the son of a former slave and teaches him to read and encourages him to become W.E.B Dubois. While Riwtrug types away on his computer the "epic of epic's", as he likes to call it, his phone rings. He goes to answer it, "I'm working on a masterpiece here. This better be good."

"Hey this is Trhd7n from W4fym Power and Water and we'd really appreicate it if you'd pay your bill with us and settle that account because you haven't paid it in a couple of months and we're about to shut off the power."

Qwervub says, "Okay charge it to my credit card."

"We don't have one on file." she answers back.

"Okay I'll get if for you."

"Oh you want to do this over the phone."

"No time like the present."

"You see we have a policy that we don't accept credit card information over the phone. It's a security thing, for your protection. Could you go online and make your payment there?"

"I live on the bottom of the sea. We don't have the internet here. Word processors yes but almost nothing in the way of an internet connection."

"Well is it possible for you to go to a place that has one, go to our website and make the payment there?"

"Why can't we do this over the phone?"

"Because you're a starfish."

"Starfish are a very reliable people."

"Not historically."

"I'm the exception that proves the rule."

"An exception can't prove a rule. That's what makes it an exception."
"That doesn't make any sense to me."
"That's because you're a starfish. Now are you going online to pay your outstanding bill?"

"I live on the bottom of the ocean, and a starfish, there's no way I can go online."

"Well then I have no choice but to terminate your service with our company until you're able to pay for the services we provide." Suddenly the electricity shuts off. She says, "Have a nice day." and hangs up. Qwervub looks at his blank computer screen and says, "What will become of my masterpiece now?" Suddenly General Styvblan appears sitting on Qwervub's couch and says, "The answer is simple."

"What is it?"

"Captcha"

Magna Carta Ninjas

The following probably never happened. And by probably I mean it never did in any way, but it's fun to pretend. After King John signed the Magna Carta in 1215 granting nobles rights, they never possessed Robin Hood threw a ninja star into King John's head while Little John hurled a katana into a nearby Sheriff of Nottingham, who was resurrected from the dead purely for this occasion. In fact, the reanimated Sheriff of Nottingham was standing next to King John while he signed the immensely important document in British history. So important was this document that a copy, replica extraordinaire, of it is featured on display at the National Archives. Which is impressive considering the document granted British nobles unheard of rights and removes the yoke of arbitrary rule without some measure of checks & balances that most Western societies enjoy today. King John, the same one spoken of in the legends of Robin Hood (that later gave to the rich and gave to the poor (which considering the status of his estate during the events mentioned in the tale while King John was ruling in proxy for an abstenia King Richard, meant that Robin Hood must have given to himself as well because he was of the "negative cash flow persuasion"). It seems to be a fair interpretation of the legend. King John never seemed to be able to catch a break. Anthony Hopkins played your brother Richard in a movie yet who played you? Nigel Terry. Who's Nigel Terry? Exactly, my point. O King John, Poor Lackland, pitiful Softsword our hearts pour out to you indeed for such mercy is justified by the historical context. In every version of Robin Hood, you're the bad guy but why. Then again maybe it was you're encounters with Robin Hood, pre-ninja star, that made you change your mind when it came time to sign the magna carta.

In the story of Robin Hood a decree King John made somehow strips him of his property and title. He was Robin of Locksley now he's just Robin. So he takes to the streets forms a gang of merry men, and they decide to redistribute the wealth generated by excessive fines and levies to feed the power presumably liberating them from hunger and other pangs of poverty. Clearly, Robin Hood was no fan of supply-side economic theory it would seem. Robin Hood would probably say to Calvi9n Coolidge, "Eat lead Coolidge" or "speak this Reagen" because he fumbled the line after he realized that he couldn't figure out a cool thing to say to Reagen because he already said the coolest thing he could think up to Calvin Coolidge already. He writes down in a journal, "Note to self: Next time I demonstrate my cool, dry wit to the leader of a country nearly a thousand years henceforth espoused an economic theory that is incompatible with my own philosophical agenda. I must come up with more than one cool expression to say to them. Also, note to self: remember to buy a jar of mayonnaise for Friar Tuck. Remember to make sure it's organic because John's going to want some of that too, but he won't eat anything not organic." One must have standards. We understand, John. We understand." There's a King John and a Little John. That does make the story a little confusing especially considering that the King is weak and little. However, Little John is a huge behemoth of a man who eats Rhino for breakfast and a whole Lamb for desert. He uses pikes for tooth picks. John tried to take over in the 90s - the 1190s while his brother Richard was fighting in The Third Crusade. In fact, he almost succeeded but presumably failed because of Robin of Locksely's quiver. However, twenty years later John got to be king and in being so he signed the Magna Carta after a very successful rebellion forced his hand to move the quill and make the 'x' that tremors throughout history. Then after King John signed it, he said, "Alright? Are you all happy now? I signed it. I hope you enjoy your vinegar flavored victory. I hope your gall tastes very good." It was at that precise moment when Robin Hood threw the ninja star. "Yeah," Robin Hood said as Little John was releasing the katana on The Sheriff of Nottingham, "It tastes pretty, pretty good."

Lunar Review

When the Apollo 11's lunar module landed in the "Sea of Tranquility" July 21st, 1969 Neil Armstong became the first men to step on the moon. A few seconds later Buzz Aldrin became the second man to walk on the moon. In my opinion, Neil Armstrong was the winner of the most consequential "rock, paper, scissors" match since JFK, just after arriving in Lovefield airport, agreed to ride in the convertible with the top down because Jackie pulled "scissors" while he pulled "paper". He thought, "It's only Elm Street. What's there but a few trees and a book depository? What's the worst that could happen?" Now almost six years later, Neil Armstrong, who had just won an epic victory of "best two out of three" with paper and later rock against Buzz Aldrin stepped down the ladders of the lunar module to the lunar surface. Shortly after stepping down the ladder, he said these immortal words to half a billion people watching at home, "One step for man, one giant leap for mankind." while Buzz was thinking, "Why did I pick rock?"

Nuclear Ubermensch

Col. Brakrage:

I need a favor but before I get into that I have one thing to say. I'm all for nuclear energy but against atomic supermen, unless they're American or non-French speaking Canadian. To the bottom of my heart, I apologize for the tuba incident. I thought your family would be amused. I was wrong. Very wrong. I apologize and hope that Whiskers make's a full and speedy recovery. I also hope and know that Snowball is in a better place right now where the fire hydrants are large and the milk bones are like brontosaurus thighs.

Now, despite what our last conversation might have implied the only patriotic blood I bleed is red followed by white and blue. I am more American than apple pie or Abraham Lincoln. Because of this I know you can do your friend a favor. A very simple one. All I need you to do is make one phone call and have McCarthy's storm troopers sniff another trail. Not that there's anything to be found if they were. I would never find myself confiding with the sickle or the hammer.

P.S. I promise to replace the piano I destroyed.

Sincerely,
Roger
March 1954

One Night at Caroline's

One fine January evening, when I was fourteen, I visited a comedy club near Times Square to see one of my favorite stand-up comics perform. I will not say the comedian's name, but I will say that he had a very popular show on Comedy Central until he ran away to South Africa because he didn't like the direction the show was going. When I saw "The Lost Episodes" of this program that aired a year or so after the aforementioned incident I understood what he meant. When it was this comedian's turn to perform - because he was the main attraction - and the excellent opening acts were all finished, he walked up on stage and did his show. A third of the way into his routine he must have seen me sitting in the front with my family. He focused on me, easily the youngest person in this crowd (excluding my twin brother), and said, "You?" - "Yeah. You. How old are you?"
"Fourteen," I answered.
"You ever masturbate?" I didn't answer him then he went to a funny set about his techniques and routine when he did so. Fifteen or twenty minutes later he turned to me and said, "Hey you?" referring to me, "You ever watch 'Captain Planet'?" This time I answered him.
"Yes."
"Didn't you think the black one had the shittiest powers? EARTH!" then he went into another set, where he mentioned how "The South American one" had the worst power. He segued into other topics hilariously told. About half hour later the show was over. On the ride home I remember thinking, "I can't believe he asked me about Captain Planet?"

The Terrible Thing To Waste

Larry and Carl were very good friends. They also happen to be trapped in a gas station, where the latter works, while twenty-seven ravenously hungry zombies try to bust through their improvised barricades. Larry's been bitten but Carl doesn't know about it. The commotion that brought them to this place was so great that Larry's being bitten went unnoticed. "There's to many of them..." while he's counting the contents of a box filled with shotgun rounds, "...and not enough of these."
"As long as the barricades hold...we're fine if they don't...I'm done for," Larry said in a tone that had Carl paid more attention, he would have realized something was wrong.
"I doubt. Neither of us is a carpenter. They'll be going to burst down those in time. In fact, I'm surprised they've lasted as long as they have."
"Maybe the army will show up in time."
"Most likely they'll just nuke this town."
"That wouldn't be so bad considering the circumstances."
"Yeah," Carl said, "I guess it's not the worst thing that could happen. That worst thing being outside right now."
"You know," Larry said, though he was actually delirious and neither of them realized this, "If we get out of this situation. Assuming a miracle happens and everything just works out, I'm going to do something with my life. I'm going to quit my job as a telemarketer and do what I really want to do. I'll go back to school and maybe start selling real estate or something."
"Yeah," Carl said, "That'd be nice. I think I'll finally marry Penelope. I'm not sure why I had to wait until now to realize that but nothing would make me happier than to do that."
However, Larry wasn't listening. You could tell this by him saying immediately after Carl stopped speaking, "I'd have to go and get scholarships or maybe take out a few student loans;. My grades aren't good but I could always get a tutor or something. It might be nice to study French with someone who natively speaks it. Yeah," Larry said, "I could definitely borrow somebody's brains. Somebody who knows how to use them," then said, "...or maybe I could just borrow yours."

Silk Dragon

I, being Joel, formerly Randy for I'm now hiding under an alias, was in the employee lounge taking a nap while the second of three Presidential debate was playing on the TV. In my own personal "television", paper airplanes were flying through the air on a blue sky with clouds resembling licorice. Suddenly, one of them falls to the ground and is trampled by the giant feet of a Plaster of Paris Tyrannosaurs Rex. This gypsum dinosaur was in hot pursuit of a porcelain pterodactyl. The latter had a great advantage over the former. He could fly while the other only had a huge head and ridiculous arms. The calcium creature almost caught the "winged finger" made of Kaolinite [a mineral] when the program was canceled by someone waking me up. "What is it?"
"Senator Stevens doesn't stand a chance," he said. He, being formerly Jerry, "I'd be surprised if he carried a single state other than his own. The other one is a much better public speaker. He just seems like he's already won and that voting in general would just be a major waste of time. He's already prepared for his victory party already. The rest of the world is going to have to hold onto their seats from this day forwards."
"You woke me up just to tell me that?"
"No I woke you up because we have to ship these shirts in the morning and have very little time to do it. I'd hate to have to fire you, so I recommend you get productive very quickly and prove just how indispensable you really are."
"I've been working forty hours straight. I need sleep."
"It's not my fault everyone quit except one."
"I need to sleep."
"You can sleep plenty when you're fired. You don't want to be fired do you?"
"A monkey can do your job, and I'm pretty sure I'm smarter than a monkey. What's your answer? Fired or still hired? Your choice."

An hour later, while I'm in "the studio", I was working with the silk screen, coating it with an ink that's cousin is plastic, in order to make T-shirts I would never accept as a gift. I was thinking that the three worst words in the English language were an epic draw between "inking the screen" or "flooding the image". I'm also not a fan of the words, "Emulsion", "Sensitiser" or "Acetate" anymore.

I look at a nearby rubber spatula and wonder how creative I could get with it. "What ways can use a rubber spatula that was obviously never intended by the spatula makers." I dismiss the the train of thought until it re-arrived a few minutes later. I look at the acetate with the drawing of a dragon trying to discourage children from smoking. At first it looks like a normal drawing until it does something a normal picture wouldn't do. It starts talking. "Yes," it said, "Do it."
"No. He's my boss and my friend."
"Friends don't let friends make T-shirts in the dark."
"Why should I listen to you?"
"Because I'm a dragon."
"Only a drawing of one."
"But I'm still a dragon."
"You can't even convince children to stop smoking."
"Well it is a little hypocritical for a dragon to advocate not smoking, but surely I cannot be blamed for the ineffectiveness of my message."
"I'm going to get coffee."

I go to the back room, turn on the light and search for the instant coffee. Suddenly, the television turns itself on and one of the Presidential candidates from the debate says, "The dragon makes a good point."
"No he doesn't. He makes no point at all. He's just a dragon and not a very good one."
"A broken clock can still be right, even if only twice a day."
"Coincidence doesn't forgive the fact that he's a broken clock."
"You've been working for this company four years, and still you have to do the dog work while he gets to play the master and ask you "to go fetch". Well be a rover gone wild and bite the hand who doesn't really feed more than yanks at your choke-chain and says, 'bad dog'. He's just a tail wrongly assuming that he's waging the dog. Show him the correct order of things."
"I am pretty tired right now. Perhaps I'm hallucinating."
"Not a chance. Now do as I say."
"What about the coffee?"
"Forget about it. There's plenty of coffee in Tahiti and Fiji. Now go."
"Yes, sir."

I walked out of the employees lounge and walk into Jerry's office while he's going through some important documents. At first he doesn't see me, but it doesn't take him long to realize I'm here. "What do you want Randy?"
"Can I talk to you about something?"
"I'm kind of busy."
"It's very important. Can we make time for it?"
"Yeah sure," Jerry said, "Why are you holding a spatula."
"That's what I wanted to talk to you about."

Not-So Sweet Potato

Dear Ipo:

Sweet potatoes, are sweet until you get a fifth of tequila in them. After that they're just orange potatoes, and rude. I'm sorry your years as a spud left a lot to be desired but that doesn't give you a right to take it out on me, your friends, our boss, the pinball machine or the chandelier.

Go back to Idaho and slay your metaphorical dragons there. Cleveland shouldn't have to pay for the mistakes of Boise. Please do the world, especially mine, a favor and lay off the mescal and tequila from this day forwards. You may find it hard to believe, but you are a better conversationalist when you're sober.

I wish you all the best.

Your Friend,
Moea

Bad Robot

The following is a true story that never actually happened. A robot complains about his owner's wife's cooking. The robot in his mono-tone voice says, quite articulately for a machine, "This...is...the...worst...crap...I...have...ever...been...forced....to ...eat. SOS! S-O-S! She is forcing me to eat poison. Poison, I say, poison." She turns to her husband and says, "Did you program him to say that?"

"No dear," the husband said, "He's an AI, you know. That artificial intelligence stuff; which means he basically programs himself. He programmed himself to say that."

Convinced, the wife turns to the robot and says, "Bad Robot".
The husband thinks, "Good robot."

Black Swan Appraisal

I had a dream that went as followed. It was in the middle of the afternoon, though everything was dark because of curtains. A black swan was being reviewed by a group of mysterious people, faceless yet identifiable as strangers. It was hard to tell if the situation unfolding before my dream eyes was like a dog or cat show; or more akin to an auction situation, where the black swan's value, it's worth, was being assessed. The dream was unclear about this. I assume it was the latter. What started out has two or three judges, faceless, featureless, judges, quickly becomes a group of people huddled around this mysterious swan not knowing what to make of the creature. Each proposed a theory that was quickly rejected because everyone sensed it was wrong. However no one knew what the right answer was. What should I make of this?