Stork Story

Simon was about to be a dad. Of course he didn't know this until Melanie said, "I'm pregnant." For some reason he answered, "I'm a pices," then Simon smacked himself on the head and said, "No...Aries," and further corrected himself by saying, "I was born on the 26th."
"Did you hear what I said?"
"Yes," he said, "I hung onto every word and you're right I think it's been long enough. Your boss should've given you a promotion by now. You've certainly been there long enough. And you know what, if it weren't for you that whole company would fall apart. I know and most of all he knows it too. If he isn't smart enough to realize that you should quit and start your own company."
"I'm pregnant Simon."
"Pregnant?" he said, "No the word is preguntas," then said, "You studied Spanish for four years. You should know that. That's like not knowing the word for friend is amigo."
"Listen 'the stork' came and I'm going to have a baby now."
"Baby? How are you going to have a baby. First you have to be preg..." and before he could say, "-nant" his jaw drops. Then after carefully analyzing everything he could have said next he settled on, "So what are you going to do?"

Simon was about to be married. Of course he didn't know this until Melanie said, "Well I am Catholic." A few weeks later Simon was at a tailor getting his tuxedo fitted. The following thought popped into his mind, "What's the smallest outfit this tailor had to make? Did he ever have to make any for a baby? A newborn maybe. A fetus perhaps. Is it even possible to give a fetus a tuxedo?" After thinking about this question for a while while being measured he asks the tailor what's the smallest tuxedo you ever had to make for someone. "A dwarf needed a tuxedo for the prom. He was three foot eight."
"Is it harder to make a tuxedo for a big person or a small one?"
"I think it's harder to make a suit for a small person. Then again if I catered to that niche more I'd probably be very good at making smaller suits and be rubbish at making suits for larger people."
"Is it possible to make a tuxedo for a fetus?"
"Not until he's out of the womb."

A few months later Simon was driving to the hospital because Melanie's water broke. He was listening to an audio-book about improving your vocabulary. He was driving with alacrity. He paused the book before the reader could describe in detail what the word inveterate was all about, to have the following thought, "Why do parents tell their children that The Stork brought them," he thought while he was heading to the place where many of them are born, "Why tell them that they were created on some cloud and brought to mom and dad instead of with a more reliable courier like a pelican, or an eagle, or The Pony Express. Why did they use a stork instead? Has a child ever run away from home because he wanted to find his real parents, feeling that the ones who were raising him didn't have the right to force them to eat broccoli because "they aren't really my parents". That some stork and cloud were. Did these runaways ever go out on a quest to find them? A fruitless quest as ill-fated as The Children's Crusade ended up being? Suddenly Simon's car approached the hospital entrance. The guard let him through after asking him a few brief questions about "his purpose for being here". Simon ran inside after parking and went to the pediatric wing to find out where his wife is. He did so in haste. He ran to the room while she was still in labor about to give birth. He had in his hand a camcorder and was looking through its viewfinder, while his other eye was shut closed. All he saw was whatever the camera saw and when he saw what the camera saw coming out of Melanie he dropped the camera, nearly breaking it, and screamed, "Ah, god no".

Simon was about to be end his marriage. Of course he didn't know this until Melanie said, "I'm so, so sorry," and he answered, "Save it for somebody else." While looking at the baby ts half-human, half stork form - a hideous creature not taking the best characteristics of either a human or a stork, a hideous hybrid of both.Simon says, "I want an annulment."